A Revolution in Modern Medicine: The Smore Maker 3000!

Ladies and gentlemen, you thought it could not be done, but it has! Progressive International has gone where nobody has ever gone before!

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It is the Progressive International GMMC-68 Microwavable S’Mores Maker and it is available right now at Amazon for $9.50.

Alright, seriously?

What has this world stooped to? The people are singing the praise of this item in the reviews as if having 22 cents of plastic and a cup of water in their general vicinity has any effect on anything they’re doing. When you made S’Mores in the microwave as a child, did you say, “Wow, this looks great, tastes great, and it’s awesome. But I feel like we’re missing some shitty chinese made item that could make the whole world go round a little faster!”

No, you didn’t say that. (I will admit that my mom made me go outside the house in case the marshmallow exploded. I mean I was 4 and she seemed to know best at that point in my life…)

But it’s here. And people are buying it. I hold hope that every single one of the reviews on amazon is laced with hidden sarcasm, but sadly I think my grand ambitions for the human species are not going as well as I planned.

Features:

  • Plastic arms laced with magical elderberry juice to flop on top of the smores. Serves to:
    • Prevent the chocolate from melting (because the presence of plastic does that, for those who aren’t chemical engineers)
    • Evenly cook the marshmallows
    • Protect the delicate stack from the tumultuous centripetal forces actuated by the rotating platter of some microwaves
  • A vessel that holds water is present.
    • There are holes in the top.
    • It controls the humidity to within 1/10^35234 % to accurately control the cooking

It’s like people didn’t realize that we had water holding vessels until they spent $9.50 on this plastic wonder (more than an hours worth of minimum wage before taxes, no less).

Thanks China. Thanks America. We’re all screwed.

This device even allows your microwave to cook things. Imagine that.

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